Monday, June 26, 2017

External Internal Paradox

This poem is born out of an idea which was when I looked at myself deeply. We often assume by default that something external must behave in a certain way so that we can feel happy and be at peace with ourselves. This assumption and desire to exercise power over external things, people or objects makes peace and happiness much more elusive. I look at my life, take an audit, sort of, and realize that every time I felt scared, or feared something or felt out of control, it was not because of something external but because of my lack of perception, inner-strength and clarity to look at things as they are. The temptation to control others to make self feel relaxed is too big and too perilous to leave unattended, hence as I go ahead in my conscious life of wisdom in this peaceful and unadulterated and unhindered solitude, words come to me and I write. This poem is the result of one such fleeting yet potent realization. 

Back then Tom never got me flowers, 
I felt sad thinking, "He didn't love me". 
Today, I wonder, "Did I ever love myself enough?". 

Back then I used to feel that Tom never understood me, 
He just did not seem to care, 
Today, I wonder, "Did I ever seem to care about myself before Tom?"

Back then, Tom never made efforts to assuage my silent pains,
Pains I never talked about, the secret sufferings, 
Today, I wonder, "Can anyone heal me better than a wiser me?"

Back then, Tom sometimes said "NO" to me, 
To my requests of meeting him, 
Today, I wonder, "What could be a greater meeting than meeting with my deeper self?"

Back then , Tom didn't do this, Tom didn't do that, 
I said right, he walked left, 
His walking left pained me, back then, in old times.
Today, I wonder, "Were it his actions that pained me or mine that pained me?"

It was not Tom, nor his "Yes" or his "No"s, 
Neither his love nor his indifference, 
It was always me.

Back then, I did not know, 
I knew not that , 
"The problem was always within me, 
the thoughts in me, the perceptions in me.
Trying to control the external to attract peace within". 

Only now I know, 
peace within gets manifested, 
when the desire to control external, ceases to be a desire any longer,
And thus, I abandoned the desire, 
and married my peace". 

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