Sunday, December 27, 2015

Being Mindful of Mistakes

i am on my way to self-knowledge and things are showing up in my life in ways they never have. They are increasingly making me conscious of my ego-dominated self. The amazing thing is that realization of committing mistakes does not happen immediately, but when I am sitting silently and reflecting on reading , an act of ego-dominated self comes to the fore and reminds me of what I could have done better. This post is about the two reflections I had this morning related to two incidences that happened recently. The past is a trail we all leave behind but the lessons that past gives definitely drive this boat forward in which i am sailing towards perfection.

First incidence
This happened on Tuesday, last Tuesday. I was on my regular morning jog but on a different track this time. It was still dark and only faint visibility was there. I was interrupted by someone who wished to go to some mall in the vicinity. Now that mall has various chains, I thought quite unreasonably that he was asking about the one I had known which was some 4 km from the place he stood. I told him to go towards the direction in 4km, perplexed myself whether I was right. In my sub-conscious mind I knew something was amiss for I could recall after he had walked past that I had seen that mall nearby also. I was not sure, because this was my first day on new road. And guess what happened? Hardly 100m from the place he had interrupted me I found what he was looking for!! I stopped, turned back and shouted , he was still visible , I think it must have been some 200m. I shouted once or twice to tell him and then I stopped. I went back to my jogging track forgetting in an instant what had just happened. And only today, Sunday, when I am sitting beside my table reflecting- this act makes me feel different. I could have run back to him, and its not that it did not come to me. It came to me, but finishing a particular distance in less time seemed more important to me. EGO ! Why didn't I run back to tell him that his destination was near? Why didn't I run back to tell him? I know, I did not run back because my ego told me, "Dude, you have to run and reach thy destination in less time. As for him, he will get there, if not through you then by someone else". But now, this all seems so vacuous. I feel happy and sad at the same time. Happy, that this mindful realization has taken place and sad that I did not extend my kindness and instead listened to something that does not belong to my Source : ego. I should have run back to him. I should have acted in a more kind and helping way, like it was really important to me what was important to him. Love, spiritual love is that which involves dwarfing what we want for ourselves more so for someone who wants something for him/her self. That was a highly inappropriate way that I did act. I am happy, this surfaces the presence of an unnecessary element in my self and makes me more mindful. I know next time when the demand is again made upon me, I have to stop for a second and then decide how to act. My actions have to be commensurate with that of my Creator. I acted like an average man that day, my level of consciousness has increased due to this incidence. I did not really wish to help him, if I did I would have run back. I did not run back. It was a mistake. It makes me learn that help is something which really takes the recipient closer to their destination and must involve giving everything you can. When I realized this, I looked up and apologized for acting from a low level of consciousness. After apology, I thanked Him for making me aware of all this.

Second incidence
This happened while I was coming back from office in the public bus yesterday, i.e Saturday. The ticket costs Rs. 5 and  I handed him a ten rupee note. He did not have change, and I had a five rupee coin, but I did not want to use it because it had the imprint of Lord Kali on the back side. I wanted to keep it with me. In between I observed that a lady in front of me gave him a five rupee coin and I expected that he would hand that to me, but it did not happen. When my stop came, I asked him to tender the remaining amount. He said , he did not have it. "My ego fumed" (unnecessary). I reminded him of the change he had, to which he replied that he gave to someone else. "My ego fumed again". While I was acting and behaving like a jerk for no reason, in the subconscious part of my mind, I had this thought going on, "Yeshoda, what you are doing is really not the way to act", but my self was so dominated by ME, that I had hardly any time to pay attention to the divine part of me. Needless to say, I  regretted having acted like that the moment I got down from the bus.  He then handed a ten rupee note to someone who got down with me so that we could share it among ourselves. Now this man to whom the note was given, I gave him my five rupee coin which had the imprint of Lord Kali, but after we crossed road I asked him to give me that coin back and that we can get the change from the tea shop. Now all this time, I am acting with low energy and not very kind to him. He got the change and gave to me, I thanked him. Something good I did amidst all the tragedy that  I created out of no reason and rationale. While I was walking back to my home, now  the scene in the bus was on my mind. I felt bad at allowing my anger to be manifested when it could have been controlled and was not required. The conductor acted on the level of his consciousness and his energy level, it should not have driven me mad. How could I allow someone acting with low energy to fume me? But I did, I allowed my anger to surface and it happened due to money. I lost my inner balance due to money, which according to my ego is important: "its my money". I could have handled the situation more gracefully with more detachment. But I did not listen to the divine part of me that was asking me to resist the reaction. 

But I am happy. I discovered my ego yet again. Anyone can be benign when the situation is conducive and yet I could not replicate it when the times were conflicting. By getting unreasonably agitated, I allowed something external of me to disturb my peace and that too for money. Money, which I know clearly is just an energy. From now on, I know that when controversial situations arise, I must not lose my cool and sangfroid. The paradoxical part was that I knew what I am doing is wrong, but still I did not budge! Why? I know why. Because, the amount of consciousness that I had that time was not enough to allow me to act in a calm way, which means my level of conscious was  pathetic.There was no reason to get angry. If he did not give, he created a means and that man was a means to obtain what ME desired. I acted like an absolute and complete jerk, that too due to the push by my ego. I am happy that this happened. It tells me how to behave and how not to. I have been resolute on not being angry, its hard, it is really challenging but I know it can be dealt with.Anger is a product of  being judgemental, and when I cease being judgemental I allow anger not to surface in my life. Above everything, I lost my cool on something material, something which is infact not at all mine. It is just means to something, and not a possession of mine. 

Mistakes are so under-rated. I am glad I made them, they make me more mindful of my ego and hence galvanize me to take actions that diminish it from surfacing again. God is really bullish on making me a spiritual being, so I am. Thank you Lord. I take these lessons in best stead and with a confidence of not repeating them in any analogy. The key is, "Stop and Ask if the way I act creates peace, if it does, go ahead, if it does not, refrain". This reminds me of Dr. Wayne Dyer. I am in love with him.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Two Birds High Up in the Sky

So, in my office I have changed my cubicle location. Shifted to a place where I can only see the beautiful Bangalore sky and the birds savoring their freedom. The thing with Bangalore sky is that it is ever changing, fleeting and makes beautiful imagery consistently. I absolutely love my new place and I feel great being here.
I look at the sky out of window panes and smile at birds playing together. An inexplicable joy dawns upon me and leaves me enlightened :) Its just too heavenly to put into words. I think it reminds me of how vast the Universe is, how powerful and how beautiful it is. The horizon where buildings seem to meet clouds is my favorite spot, it fills me with a certain sort of optimism and peace. 

So, today while I was engaged in my work, accidentally I looked at the sky. There I spotted two birds flying very high in the sky. It inadvertently made me smile :) There was something unique about them, I tried to look closely. I suspended my laptop and with a smile on my face started to observe them. After observing them for some 10 minutes this is what I wrote in my book, just so that I do not lose the beautiful ethereal experience that I just had. I actually thought of quickly writing 2-3 lines  so that I dont lose what I felt, but it ended up taking a page. 

Here is what I indited in my notebook (this event is definitely one of the sweet things that happened today).
"I am observing two birds high in the sky and they are flying higher than any bird available, always orienting themselves towards each other and giving each other sufficient space and freedom to explore their own part of sky. How beautifully both of them are calmly gliding with their wings spanned to the fullest. I can barely see them because they fly really very high, seems like they are enjoying that heavenly part of Universe: vast blue sky and clouds. Its just a very beautiful and heart warming site; makes me smile. I know we are like those birds. Flying high in our sky, exploring our part of the sky, flying with glory and serenity and yet oriented towards each other. I like the way they exist together, without any strings attached yet still connected and aware where the other one is and always being in orientation towards each other. Then they fly higher above, my smile becomes wider, it becomes difficult to see them, they go behind the clouds tracing their own separate paths. I cannot see them anymore and they have left me smiling and warmed my heart. Love is like flying high in the sky carefree of which level other birds are at and what they are upto. Just flying in the limitless and expansive sky, calmly with so much peace and freshness. We are like those birds, I know and I am smiling for these creatures of God have just corroborated to the fact of "freedom and reverence in Love". "

-Amen. 
The Universe. 

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