Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Forever Reprobate

May be when I was on the hospital  bed, I believed that I could swill another glass of alcohol and could betray the lurking death, as I always had duped everything that unearthed my frailty. But this time I was wrong, I just could not betray death. Eventually, breathing became painful and I died in writhing pain; now I sit in heaven. You're right, I am a toper. I do not know if I miss life, sitting here, or the glass of wine. May be the latter. I had totally surrendered my life to those regular bottles that seemed to give delight, an exotic feeling and made me forget about everything around. I could shout more boldly at my wife, I could do anything I wanted to and roam around as a free-bird. But, now I cannot do that. Drinking is not for mortals here, in heaven.  Of course, I am missing my drink, its so very hard to accept that I wont be getting even a drop here. I feel like cursing those Gods who are enjoying theirs.They know I am an addict but they seem to ignore my desires.

A lot of thoughts are running in my mind currently. But right now, as I can see, no one is mourning at my death. How do I construe this behavior as? Why aren't they crying ? Don't they love me ? Won't they miss me ? Are they happy that I am  dead? My wife, she is sad but she seems to be alright. My younger daughter, she seems to be a little perturbed, she is the one who lit my pyre. She must be thinking of a lot of things. But why am I suddenly thinking of her, when I did not when I was there, coz if I had, I would not have been a chronic drinker. Not many people have come in my obsequy. What is happening to me ? Why am I talking like a sober person. Is it the loss of life or the loss of opportunities to drink again. I have never felt sober ever since the bank in which I used to work got shut down.
Should I say , drinking was a huge mistake of my life? Or should I say, I still do not care after dying. Well frankly speaking , I cannot bring myself to care. But I do feel , it would have been great if I could get some more time to indulge in my fetish. Liquor has consumed my cognizant ability.I am dead. My family doesn't cry for me. They should not cry for someone who did not care about their future and just went on to satiate himself. My birth was a great loss. I could not create any meaningful life. I do not have any regret, because as I said, my cerebral thinking is null now. But the worst thing is that I am in pain and have to battle it without my comrade, that glass of liquor. And it is turning out to be really arduous and onerous.

I miss drinking. 

Forever reprobate.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Morning Homilies

This post has long been procrastinated, and I take total responsibility for the cunctation. But, the worth has not been nullified in any sense. What I am going to indite today, I witness every morning, seems like a matutinal ritual when I go for jogging, and it fills my heart with gratitude. Not that, I despise what I see or those who are involved in it, but seeing them makes me realise that my life, which I did not even deserve for a second, because, it has been a fluke all this time, right from the birth of this mortal ;  is a grand one. 

Every morning I do not have to clear filth on the road, every morning I do not have to think about plucking the best flowers so that the devotees who come to temple might buy mine, I do not have to wake up at 4 every morning for collecting the newspapers for dissemination , I do not have to worry for nothing when I wake up in the morning. Hence, I feel my life is better. In my office, I see two types of people. Us, who sit in front of laptop and work and second those, who are incessantly cleaning, some window pane, washrooms, floors, tables while people keep to-ing and fro-ing in the premises. I feel grateful to them, and often profess it. The smile, when you see, you smile too in return , it tells you that they have felt great by the expression of gratitude. 

I did not deserve this luxury, I did not deserve education, what did I do to have got such parents, who not only made me educated but also made me a person who can discern what pain is and make out how to mitigate it, I did not deserve nothing and still I have got everything. It overwhelms me. Being in North, I did not get to see a huge number of lady vendors and hawkers, but I see them in Bangalore. Some are selling coconut-water, some road-side pakoras and samosa, and yet some other selling the slippers that one might find in hotel-bathrooms. Seeing all this, I realise  sorted and peaceful is my life. Smug. Please do not construe my view as condescending towards these people.

I see all these kind of people around me and then I look at myself. I am so complete with what all I have. Money is everything in life, it is. If you do not have money, you cannot buy a life of dignity, you cannot buy good books, you cannot give presents, you cannot be satisfied and probably happy. Money is important, whole world is running after and revolving around money. Hence, we must be grateful for things which provide us money. Poor people lead a tough life, a very challenging life. It takes a huge heart to sit on road on a rag and sell hotel-slippers with the hope that you will get customers. It takes huge amount of fortitude and courage. Other's misery and impecunious circumstances make me feel grateful for my fortune, which as I have said, I did not deserve. Everything has happened like a protocol, I was born as a human (what did I do to be born as one, I dont know), I was educated , I graduated and now i am in job. I am grateful, and I tell this to God, that I am, for every single day. 

We do not have to worry for "grunt-work" , we must be grateful and make our lives such that they are useful for those who could not due to some reason could not make their lives better. God Bless Them. These people teach me the most important thing every morning and I am grateful to them, because this lesson keeps me grounded throughout the day. This lesson keeps me grateful and bound to my roots. You see, how you feel when you pass through a heap of garbage, its so very difficult to breathe for those nanoseconds, but think about those, who wake up in the morning to do exactly that, be in that fetid and putrid ambience and inhale the effluvium for extended period of time.

Think about that ! We are no less than any king or queen. Life is good, complete and best. We must be grateful. I am. And if all this does not make sense, then atleast wake up and RUN for ourselves !!

Take Care.

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